


All I'm sayin' is if you don't love me no more, then lie

by 2Gay2funktion



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt Andrew Minyard, Hurt Neil Josten, Jealous Neil Josten, Kittens, M/M, Neil Josten Is an Idiot, Neil slips into Nathaniel, Petty Andrew Minyard, Protective Neil Josten, Will add few tags later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 17:18:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17451098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Gay2funktion/pseuds/2Gay2funktion
Summary: Neil ends up waking away from the life he had with the Foxes and Andrew and when he comes back only one those accept him back.Or where Neil returns to Andrew after breaking his promise that he won't run away, not knowing if he can have what he had with Andrew back or not.(Ps: my previous pseudo was kanzashah)





	1. I hope hopeless. Changes over time.

**Author's Note:**

> HELLOOOOO okay ngl I have actually missed writing so I'm back.  
> I wanted to write for this fandom again. And I am also trying to put more effort into my work and proof-reading and editing it again and again..Because you guys were amazing through 'He is my best friends..?' so yeah  
> thank you for that..  
> I hope you guys like this story as well.  
> .  
> Oh and Robin is a girl in canon but I made him a boy in this fic..cuz c'mon I like my Neil a lil jealous..:P  
> Enjoy..

_Neil, no. Come on, Neil, you can't be that stupid! That's all Andrew's heart screamed. Had insisted again and again._

  
_'Heart? What heart? Hadn't you killed it already?' Andrew thought._

  
_Fuck, Neil, Andrew decided. He blamed it all on Neil and would hold him accountable as long as he breathed, despite how unfortunate the phenomena was to him. He will blame the stupid boy who left Andrew, and all of his life that he had struggled hard for, behind for stupid stupid reasons._

  
_Andrew broke his phone that day after reading Neil's message and decided to buy a new one and a new sim. If Neil wanted to leave, he could leave but then he shouldn't have any hope of coming back.Or being accepted back. Andrew Minyard was not big on forgiveness. Because Andrew Minyard did not forgive liars. Andrew Minyard **did not** forgive people who break their promises._'Always', _he had said. Stupid lying asshole._

 

 _'' **I will come back.That is all I can promise you."** That's what Neil's message had said. _ _That's all he had to say to Andrew before he left him._

  
_'But at least it was not a Goodbye.You know how his goodbye sounds like', his brain provided which only made Andrew scoff._

  
_'Because if you can leave me for me, why can't you stay for me? 'Andrew countered bitterly before he stopped thinking at all._

**

  
Neil should've known this is how Wymack would handle the situation. This is exactly what he would do. Drop Neil at the gate of the Foxhole and up and dust himself.

  
Neil stilled his jittery hands and smothered every rising emotion in him that rose with the sole purpose of making him weak before he could even meet Foxes. He entered the building of Foxhole and he sighed as he took in the sight of orange fox paws everywhere and the distinct smell of exy. The shiny floor that made noise as he walked over it with his equally shiny shoes, Stuart would have killed him otherwise. The glass door that he knew would lead to the court, that even with its lights off made Neil's heart cripple. Neil decided he would turn the lights on himself and bathe in the spotlights above his head. He would stand under them, reminding why he deserved to be there.That he could have it again, thank Wymack for it though.

 _Neil used to smell like exy.Exy and cigarettes. Cigarettes...he misses their scent amidst all that_. Whatever he had in his pockets, he had thrown them away when he landed at the airport. Because his junkie heart couldn't help but hope that now he could steal a certain someone's instead.

  
_No, don't let your thoughts go there._ Neil knew the moment he let himself think of a five feet blonde, he would be on his knees in a second.

  
_Fuck! Who knew missing someone could hurt that much? Neil had decided it hurt more than wanting Exy or any aspect of normal life on all those runner days when he saw it pass by him, knowing that he could never be a part of that life. It hurt more than the burns on his cheeks, the bullet hole(s)-he had a knew addition on the canvas he called his body- and fucking all the blades on his body all together at the same time.Including the new bruises his body supported.Missing Andrew, Neil decided, hurt more than anything._

'But you are back, you are back', Neil told himself, trying to calm his racketing heart.'And you would see him and be near him and beg him...to...to let you stay'. It's a selfish thought.

  
To be honest,Neil knows Andrew. He knows he broke his promise. He lied and kept his departure a secret. He knew Andrew didn't forgive easy. Neil knows the moment he left Andrew, he limited his chances of ever having a place to come back to.

  
But fuck if he was anything other than a selfish prick who couldn't help wanting. He was opposite to Andrew in this matter, where he didn't want much, Neil wanted everything.

  
Neil moved his cement feet across the polished tiles that led to their lounge, it hurt to open the door, the cold steel freezing his hands.It hurt to hear the laughter and voices of Foxes inside. It hurt because he had missed them. It hurt because he feared he might have no place next to them now.

  
Six months.Six months is a long time.

  
He stopped just outside the room, he knew the Foxes were on the other side of the door. _Andrew was on the other side_. The thought made him rest his head against the door, his hand still clasped around the door knob.

  
He could, like this, he could hear his heart thundering in his ears. His hands started shaking, creating tremors in the door itself and his breath laboured, coming hard and going easy.

  
_He is here.He is here.He is back with foxes,Neil kept telling himself.'I'm fine.I'm fine now. I-I will be fine now.'_

  
Neil puts his own hand on his neck and presses hard. And he can almost hear an apathetic voice telling him to cut it out. This has been Neil's remedy to every situation that made Neil weak in the past months. _God, he can't even count how many times he has done it._ But Neil can count his breathes, so he does exactly that. He counts from one to ten in total four languages he know. _Four, he had started learning Russian with Andrew, before he left._

  
_It's okay, even if Andrew doesn't forgive him,_ Neil told himself, strengthening himself to open the door _.He would at least be near him._

  
Wiping his sweaty hands from his pant, and inching his duffel bag on his shoulder. Neil removes his head from against the door and barges in.

  
_Colors._ That's what fills Neil's vision. Shocking orange and hideous lime green of the sofas. Blue of the energy drinks, white of the tiles. Black of the ceiling, glittering yellow lights hanging from it and pink of the lockers. The red and mint of the stickers and neon sticky notes on the board.

  
Scattered water bottles, towels, and take outs, that's the next thing he notices. And after that, the smell of Chinese, sweat and Allison's expensive perfume-drowning any traces of cigarettes Neil craved- rushed towards Neil, making him stand still and remembering. Just remembering their lounge as he had left it.

  
Their room is the same, Neil could say. A brown ragged arm chair is new though. Now that Neil notices, many things have changed. The change is subtle, hidden between familiar things of the routine, harder to notice but still present. Like the pictures on the board have doubled in number. Renee's dye has changed, the shades are a bit darker now. Kevin's frown is same but the tension in his shoulders has vanished. Like Dan's hair have grown but Matt's arm around her is the same. Matt's smile is same but Nicky's hairstyle is new-it's a mullet now if Neil can guess it right. And Aaron's smiling softly as he types away on his phone, more relaxed than he would have ever been among foxes and that there is someone else sitting next to Andrew.

  
In his place.In _Neil's_ place.Or what used to be his anyway.

  
_Neil doesn't dare look at Andrew, not when he has his hand wrapped around someone's arm._

  
He is Robin, a new addition to Foxes, along with a new striker Jake who is absent right now. He had noticed him when he was keeping tabs on the Foxes. It's been three months since Neil had started spotting him subbing Andrew and Renee on the goal. He is average, but can be good. His own style is average but the style he is learning will make him good.

  
_He plays a little like Andrew,_ Neil expertly ignores that fact.

  
"N-neil," Kevin is the first one to notice Neil. His voice all cracked. And suddenly, all the noise dies down to a murmur first and then to the rumored pin-drop silence. It's a funny thought though, a _pin-drop silence_ in a room full of Foxes but Neil feels like anything but laughing. He feels like he is choking.

  
_Neil still doesn't dare look at Andrew._

  
_He can't. He can't, not without...._

  
"Yeah," Neil tried smiling and rubbing his neck, the urge to put his hand there increasing by every second, "I am kinda back." God, he sounds awkward to even his own ears but nevertheless, tries to hide the jitters in his legs by planting them firmly to the ground.

  
_You have nothing to run away for now.You have made it safe for you to stay._

  
"Fuck, Neil," Dan says and suddenly she is running to enclose Neil in a tight hug.

  
_And yes,f_ _uck. Fuck, Neil, has missed this._

  
If Dan is surprised she doesn't show when Neil hugs her back with an equally tight grip around her waist because right now she represents half of Neil Josten he left behind, the other lies with _someone else_ though and in a blink, Matt's there and it's his turn to hug Neil. And then Nicky, he is almost tearing up but when he hugs Neil he says, "Fuck you came back looking even hotter.And look at you, you are even dressing nice now." Which makes Neil laugh, all watery but free.

  
_Fuck, he has missed them._ His mind keeps repeating one thing again and again.

  
Neil looks at Kevin, seeking something. Kevin is frowning but Neil just keeps looking at him, begging him to give him his game again. Kevin tried glaring at Neil but only sighed at the end.

  
"Have you been practicing?"

  
Neil nodded. He had been. He couldn't be a reason to delay the game or be a setback for his team. He had told Wymack before he had gone and he had asked when he got back. Both times, the answer had been same, _"You will always have Foxes there for you.You will always have a home to come back to, Neil."_

  
So he had exercised and played with local teams whenever he could in London.Not only that, his Uncle had allowed him to practice against one or two of their bodyguards who had played Exy in their college days.

  
"It's good but still not better.We need to work harder on you now because of the delay and show me how much you have lagged as soon as you can." Kevin said it like a chore, and Neil heard it like a blessing. He nodded his head like a fool and he could see Kevin already charting and scheduling all the work he would need on Neil. And that made Neil so overwhelmed that couldn't even speak.

  
Next, he turned to Renee who smiled back at him and merely welcomed him back. Allison had a lot of comments about his hair and his accent. Yeah, he kind of slipped into a British one. He will probably lose it in a while, and that's what he told her. She said why would he want to and before he could ask what it meant, he heard the sofa skid as someone got up from it on his left and walked out of the door. Slamming the door shut along with Neil's heart on the way out.

  
Neil didn't have to look to know who it was. His heart raced, unable to look at the Foxes who had formed a semi-circle around him. He raised his eyes to look at Aaron's angry ones, which filled Neil with shame and surprisingly, Robin's who only gave him an awkward wave and muttered, 'Hey, Neil,' and then his gaze returned to the door and then at Neil until he dropped his hand.

  
His confusion only increased Neil's urgency. He wanted to run after Andrew, his feet were all fired up again and he felt like the time was like grains in his fist that he struggled hard to not let slip away. But it was, it was slipping away. Andrew was slipping away and Neil feared that if he let Andrew leave now, Neil might never be able to catch him.

  
He looked at the foxes, all seemed to get what he wanted. Dan squeezed his arm and said, "We will be here, we can talk later if you want."

  
Neil nodded at her and struggled to convey how much her words meant.He tried opening his lips for it but it seemed like he didn't need to. Because Dan got it. She could read it from his earnest eyes and how he gripped her hand on his arm. Actually, all the foxes did when Neil looked at them.

  
"Neil," Renee said calmly, "Go."

  
And Neil didn't need to be told twice as he rushed out to Andrew.

  
Neil is a fast runner, that's an established fact Neil would like to think. Neil can run fast. Neil has ran fast, he has ran fast for his life. He has ran fast to score for his team. He has ran fast away from his demons. He has ran fast to his demons in the past six month. He has ran away from death of his mother, he has ran away from the police. He has ran all his life but he has never ran as he did when followed Andrew out of the complex.

  
It wasn't because he ran fast, it was because for the first time, he couldn't run as fast as he wanted to.He ran like he dreaded what would he find if he reached his destination. He was shit scared of looking at Andrew again because of what it would do to him.

  
Neil had been barely holding himself together in the previous months, as if waiting to see if he had ever been real.That his life as Neil Josten ever been real or not. And it all somehow seemed to lie in Andrew's smoke smelling hands now. Foxes had accepted him back, the only question that remained was, will Andrew? Because no matter what, Neil could not reach home if Andrew refused to touch him and hold him.

  
Neil squinted at the sunlight as he opened the door of the Foxhole. His eyes hurting from the burning sun but he still searched for Andrew. Light always hurts when you have been in dark for long. That's how it is, he can't lose Andrew due to that inconvenience.

  
He was no where though. Neil could see Andrew no where. The panic in his chest rose and caught up in his throat. He felt like he was going to puke. His hands were shaking again and this time he did nothing to stop them. He was finally losing his barely kept facade he had chosen for himself when he had reached Palmetto.

  
Andrew has gon- -But his car is there. His car is still there in the parking lot. The shiny black Maserati that made Neil's hurt ache with fondness. Neil ran up to it, as if meeting a friend of past and tried to find the person that had made him get this attached to the car, and then around it. Andrew was no where. He kept running though, just to keep doing anything because this felt like he was unraveling. Because Andrew was no where near the car.

  
_Because Andrew had left.Andrew didn't want Neil anymore. Andrewlef-_

  
"THUD! Thud!" Neil's ears pricked at the harsh sound and he tried zeroing where it came from.If there is a noise, it would mean someone is there to make it. Neil ran a couple of feet more and turned around the corner, hoping to find the cause of the noise.To find Andrew.

And he did.

  
He found Andrew.

  
Hitting on the wall repeatedly.

  
His hand bleeding, his teeth gritted. And Neil has never seen Andrew like this. His body thrumming and rash. So fast and so angry. Andrew never let himself lose control like that. Especially in open, even though there was hardly anyone near right now.

  
And he looked so close to screaming.  _Andrew **never** screamed._

  
"A-Andrew...Andrew stop," Neil said, his voice barely above the whisper. His feet shaking as they moved towards Andrew.

  
_He couldn't do this.He couldn't do this._

  
But Neil's voice only raged Andrew more as he lost it all and started hitting the wall more aggressively. Neil's eyes widened when he heard the sound of his bones breaking and without even thinking, he moved towards Andrew's hand. His lost speed coming back with the ferocity of his feelings. _He wanted to stop Andrew, to stop hurting himself._

  
_His hands were precious, didn't he know? They had saved Neil bazillion times, been his haven, broken and mended him. They have kissed his injuries and helped them heal. They made Neil Josten real when he was merely a lie. Didn't he know? Didn't he know that Neil thought of kissing them almost every day._

  
But before he could even touch him properly, Andrew flinched back.His bleeding hand at his side now.Dripping blood on the road as they shook violently.But Neil was not look at the hand anymore he was looking at Andrew and his eyes, all of him screaming 'volatile'.

  
"Don't," He gritted out.His voice higher than he had ever raised it."Don't you fucking touch me,"

  
The words hit Neil worse than the racket Andrew had swung to Neil's stomach during their first meeting. But this time, it was so much harder, it was so hard that it made breathing impossible and this time...this time, it felt final. A final swing that Andrew had hurled Neil's way to immobilize him.

  
_Fatal,_ that's how his words felt. And Neil fell on the ground, his legs giving into the impact of the words. His eyes stinging and making his vision blurry. All the anxiety he had been holding between his arms since he realized he could come back, came leaking out of him and making him hollow again. The Neil Josten he had held close to his heart as he fought Nathaniel's battles these past months felt as unreal to him as he had when he had first come to the foxhole.

  
_There was a reason he was dreading this. This... looking at Andrew. He was dreading this. Because Neil knew, he knew he wouldn't be able to look at him without breaking._

  
And now as Neil looked at Andrew from the ground. At his bitter hurt eyes, to his curled lips hiding his angry screams. His bleeding hand and agony ridden posture.

  
Neil _broke._

  
***


	2. Took it so far to keep you close. I was afraid to leave you on your own.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look through the six months Andrew spent without Neil.  
> (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the chap is from Halsey's song ''Without me.'''  
> (yes, now cry with me.)  
> I had wrote this chapter spending whole week on it just to realize that Andrew was too much of my fav to butcher him by writing about him so lamely and ended up writing the whole chap again just to realize that previous one had not been THAT bad..fml  
> so i decided to mix the two and give you guys two chapters instead of one on the six months Andrew spent without Neil.

"You have to leave, now, " Ichirou had said.

  
When his black expensive car stopped near the dorm, Neil had thought he was only there to remind Neil of their deal, despite it being a trip that did not desire Ichirou being here himself.

  
Maybe that should've been his first clue that it was no regular meeting. Maybe he should have dreaded entering the car so much that he should have ran at the first sight of it. Maybe he should've read all the sign through the morning telling him to not go out today. Andrew grumbling in his sleep and pulling him back, his shoes being muddy from the running in the rain yesterday, or the puddles that kept slowing his pace as he ran, or the shop where he decided to buy donuts for Andrew being closed today.

  
Because now that he is here and Ichirou has made it clear that he is not getting out of the car given the moment he entered the car, Ichirou had ordered the driver, through the intercom as the front seats were separated from the backseat, to take them directly to the airport

  
The engine had gurgled to life and so did the panic which had struck every nerve of Neil's alive. Ichirou had sat there looking like a nonchalant king on his leather seat, muttering orders and how Neil had to go, that he was needed, that he couldn't fucking stay.And Neil wanted to pull him by his hair, take the gun out that he was hiding in the inner pocket of his coat and blow his brains off. Because he _could not_ , could not talk about how Neil had to uproot everything he had bled to build in matter of minutes and go with him. But he knew reacting in front Ichirou was letting him manipulate Neil." _Your emotions are your biggest weakness, never trust anyone with them." S_ eems like he still remembers his mother's teachings in situations like these that she had made sure to bruise on his skin and mind.

  
"I can't leave now, what about the game? What about my team?" Neil could hardly keep his anxiety that was eating his heart alive, out of his voice. But still clearing his throat, he said,"I have to meet them.Let them know."

  
Andrew. Andrew was waiting for him at the dorms. They had a summer routine going on that included eating breakfast together which Andrew was willing to make as it could be as sugary as he would like. Then he had morning practice with the Foxes. Nicky's birthday was coming, Neil had been thinking of buying him a fancy watch.

  
_How did the day turn out like this?_

  
"Nathaniel, even you know, we can't let you get in touch with the Foxes.They have," Ichirou paused, making a casual gesture with his hand which made the cuff-links of his expensive suit shine in the morning light that could barely make its way through the tinted window of his door and rolling his eyes, "..how do I say it? A habit? Yes, a habit of getting in the way.And they seem rather reluctant to ever let you leave their side too." Side eyeing Neil as if making sure that Neil knew exactly who Ichirou meant by that."Plus, I told you, these people have been targeting you. It would be better if we avoided the red cross being painted on Foxes back too, don't you think? And take it away with you to London.Far...faraway from the Foxes, we don't want a replay of the time your father meddled with them, now don't we?" Ichirou finished with a tilt to his lips that showed he was quiet proud to know Neil's fears enough to exploit them.

  
This is how he had failed his mother. He could not hide his emotions or what mattered to him anymore when it came to his family.

  
_Foxes._ Ichirou knew Neil's weakness without him ever having to mouth it. One word, _Foxes_ with mentions of Andrew in subtext.

  
Neil strangled the urge to tap his feet in urgency and the way, the car stopped and started again due to the rush hour traffic, helped.

  
_The world was as disrupted as Neil right now.Locked in some way, unable to get out._

  
"Nevertheless, I still need to let them know," Neil persisted. He was not going away without letting his family know. Without letting Andrew know. _Andrew,_ Neil thought. His heart started and shuddered at the thought of Andrew or how angry and worried he would be if Neil failed to come back. But it also strengthened his resolve to not leave like he had to last time; just pieces of him for Foxes to collect and without a single word. "I still need to make a call." And Neil said it like he had made the decision.The horn blared from the cars around him as if cheering him on. _Damn, he was getting used to the Exy life._

  
Ichirou looked at him, with calculating eyes and blank face.Then he looked away and out of the tinted window, probably wondering how he could have skipped this traffic and regretting his decision to come, "Call, but only your coach.I don't want to deal with the Foxes."

  
Neil struggled not roll his eyes at the jerk but knowing he had no way out, he only acquiesced in his decision. Taking his phone out of his jersey, thank God he had charged it last night, actually Andrew had.

  
Fuck he was leaving Andrew for God knows how long. He needed to leave him a message at least.

  
So Neil called Wymack, ignoring Ichirou's ''Remember, no details.'' and let his coach know that he will be going and yes he would be coming back. Maybe he didn't need to say it with that much fervor but he needed Ichirou to know that he may owe him his money but not his life. As soon as the call ended, Neil put his phone in his pocket and his hand along with it.

  
Using the only skill he thought phone's were useful for, he typed a message to Andrew, looking ahead as he typed away on the phone. One thing. One thing that Andrew needed to know after Wymack told him that Neil had gone. One thing that was important.That would probably assuage his anger was that Neil was coming back.

  
That no matter what, he was coming to him. To Foxes. To Abby, Wymack and even Betsy.

  
He would come back even if he had to fight hell and all its demons to make it back, he would.

  
So he clicked the button to send the message and kept his hand in his pocket to not look suspicious. He turned to the window on his side, he could see that they were out of the traffic now and were flying on the highway to the airport.

  
Neil would not panic, Neil refused to panic without his people near by. He would panic when all of this is done and he is safe with the Foxes. For now, he had a job to fulfill. He had to awake Nathaniel from the graves and leave Neil here.

  
But the last thought he thought as Neil was that he was hella grateful for not being able to buy those donuts for Andrew because it's not like he would've been able to give him anyway.

  
**

  
Andrew is not a person of many words. He speaks as if words are painful memories that ache and to speak is to remember. And when he would utter them, it would leave his lips bloody injured in their wake.

  
So even though Andrew Minyard was scarce with words, he had told Neil to stay.

  
He should've known. No one has ever stayed for him, Andrew has always had to bind people to him whether by promises or deals, no one has ever chosen to stay with him. Why would he be an exception? _Fuck, he was supposed to be an exception._

  
A selfish part of him told him that he should have bound Neil with something too. But Andrew was stupid and had thought that whatever _this_ they had going, was enough to guarantee Neil next to Andrew.

  
It didn't matter, Andrew told himself. Neil didn't matter. Andrew had survived worse. He could survive Neil leaving too.

  
It didn't matter.

  
Andrew just had to get used to waking up to no red hair tangled under his fingers. He just had to get used to pouring one cup of coffee for himself instead of two, to be honest, he was just getting tired wasting the second cup in the sink, so it would be better if he got used to it soon. He just had to get used to Kevin sitting in the passenger seat. The empty roof. Constant silence by his side. Taking only one cigarette out. No one to ask him to play Exy if he stood like a statue in the goal, wait, he had Kevin for that. No one to distract him if he got too lost in his mind and spent days without realizing anything around him.

  
Nothing mattered to Andrew.

  
**

  
To say Renee was worried about Andrew, would be an understatement. She could see her best friend spiraling down without being aware of it.

  
He was tripping and then walking gracefully through Neil's absence like he did when he came out of Easthaven's. Renee did not trust Andrew's calm any more than she did her own.

  
"I can't believe Andrew is so okay with it. With Neil leaving, I mean." Allison grunted, sitting on the sofa in their dorm room.

  
Dan seem to have heard Allison and came out of her room with her hairbrush in her one hand to say, "I know right. Given how he lost it when we lost Neil to his father. I actually expected him to act...I don't know, somehow, different."

  
"Yes, he does appear as indifferent as always. Though, I suspect he is as unaffected as he looks." Matt added from the kitchen where he was preparing his kale smoothie that Renee mused was supremely under Kevin's orders.

  
Renee looked at her friends and their speculations about Andrew from her position where she leaned against their cupboard in the living room. She tapped her nails against the surface of the said cupboard, shifting her eyes from her friends to the plant pot resting in the corner on the cupboard. Renee had bought it last year, wanting to make the dorm homier. Good decision, if you ask Renee.

  
"Andrew feels and acts differently than you guys expect him to but it doesn't mean that he is not affected by Neil's absence." Renee said still caressing the plant leaves, reminding herself to water them tomorrow morning. It's always best to water them in the morning. Plants thank you the best then, as they wake up fresh, with enough water for their roots, and to bathe in sunlight and enjoy the start of another day.

  
Renee looks up to lock eyes with Allison's as she is right in front of her but she knows all of her friends are looking at her the same way. And Allison looked at her as if she should be explaining more, but Renee only smiled at her.

  
Dan sighed from her place that was at the doorway to her room and moved back inside to drop her hair brush. She came out, her hair looking recently combed, dusted her cropped orange shirt and flopped on the sofa next to Allison. Matt also came out of the kitchen and handed his smoothie to Dan when she gestured for it.

  
"Well, whatever it is, Andrew was becoming readable with Neil around. Now, he is back to being stoic and as unapproachable as a Scorpion." Matt said sitting on the arm of the sofa Dan and Allison were sitting.

  
Renee also decided to sit on the armchair next to Allison. "Andrew didn't become 'readable', you guys just had Neil to translate Andrew for you." Renee said with a soft smile, remembering all the times, Neil had to defend Andrew in front of the upperclassmen.

 

"Well, you are right. Fuck, I miss Neil, babe," Dan said resting her head against Matt's shoulder."Me too, Dan, me too." Matt agreed, instantly moving his arm to wrap around Dan's shoulders.  
And silence descended the room, the kind of silence where everyone is lost in their own thoughts. They all missed Neil and worried about him.

  
They had lost him so many times that waiting and the gnawing worry for his safety was becoming a second nature to them.

  
"Oh, shut it, you all Debbie downers. He is Neil, he is 'fine' and will be back with us before y'all know it." Allison said, moving forward and picking up the remote from the coffee table in front of her. Allison, always the first one to change the mood, as swift as flicking her hair off her bare shoulder. Renee couldn't help but look at her friends fondly as they chuckled in response to Allison's abrupt words.

This is how the girls' dorm always was like. Homey, warm, filled with friends and laughter. From the brown rug under the coffee table to their collection of movies. From Matt's boxing gloves to their scattered pictures.

  
Matt emptied his glass and said, "I can totally imagine him though. Fighting everyone just to get back to us." He smiled at Renee from across the room and she nodded in return. 

  
Dan took Matt's glass from his hand and put it on the table and used the same hand to pull him on the sofa next to her. Laughing at Matt's squished form, she moved closer to Allison, letting him settle comfortably. "Obviously, he will come back. He is a Fox, he belongs with us." She said resolutely, hiding her insecurity by gripping Matt's hand harder.

  
The rest of the conversation was drowned by the volume of her Allison's T.V. as she played the recent show that the Upperclassmen loved.

  
Renee paid only half attention to the show and sighed inwardly. Sometimes, she wished she did not see everything so clearly.

That, along with her past habits, she would have muted this habit of hers too. The habit of noticing people's weaknesses before even noticing them.

  
Maybe that is why she could see Andrew so clearly. How shaken he was at his roots. How his faith that he had started building on Neil's back had fallen to rumbles as Neil ran.

  
Neil did have a terrible habit of running. Whether it was away from dangers or at them. And Andrew was paying its price.

  
He came every day to practice as per the routine. Even though it was the start of their summer vacations, Foxes had decided to stay a little bit longer before leaving for their homes. To be honest, Renee didn't want to leave Andrew alone. Because as she could see him clearly, she could see how heavy his feet were.

  
He was trudging through the busy routine of Foxes with indifference but he was getting more lost in his mind. Foxes thought he was being difficult on purpose today when he let a few shots go through him to the goal but Renee could see that he hadn't even realized that the ball had been shot at him. He was melting from inside out.

  
Andrew had found in Neil, what Renee had found in God. Renee remembers praying about Andrew. Praying that God protected him and kept him away from all the demons the world had to offer.She had prayed for Andrew every time she could and every prayer she could but surprisingly enough, she had forgotten to pray that God did not deprive Andrew of Neil nor Neil of Andrew. How could she have? She had assumed that they simply would. Neil seemed to be in no rush every time he looked at Andrew, which assured Renee that he was going no where without Andrew next to him and by the way Andrew gripped Neil, she knew Andrew wasn't letting his 'idiot' go any where too.

  
Maybe she should've. Because every day, Andrew played his roles. As a brother, as a cousin, as a protector that no one needed, as a monster keeping Foxes away from his family and himself. He was actually playing all his roles so diligently that it was alone worrisome especially when it came to his role of the goalie. But when Renee had asked him why as they ran laps around the court next day, his expression turned sour. It reminded Renee of a child when asked that they had to take their pungent medicine to get better.

  
"Kevin," Andrew spitted out, getting rid of the after-taste,"Made a deal. Wouldn't mention _him_ if I played."

  
He was back to talking in bits and pieces. He was getting tired as tired as the Andrew that Renee had met in his freshmen year. Renee noticed that but did not point it out to Andrew and merely nodded in reply.

  
"Want to spar after practice?" Renee offered, feeling unequipped.Unable to help Andrew any other way. All she could do was provide Andrew a place to vent his anger out. _'Broken lips were better than broken promises,'_ Andrew had told her once.

  
She again found herself thinking, _Why did you have to leave Neil?_ , for a hundredth time since he left.

  
Andrew looked at her, swirling the suggestion inside in his mouth, deciding whether he liked it or not.Renee kept her eyes on him, on his friend's closed arms, and eyes that were losing their light slowly but surely as he nodded at her.

  
_Come on, Andrew.You are stronger than that._

  
And he was, maybe it was about his faith. His faith in Neil. As blind as is a believer's. _Please, don't give up on Neil._ Renee thought as she watched Andrew walk towards the goal.  
His uniform tight against his back, Renee still could not understand how Foxes could not see it.

  
They say Andrew is untouched by Neil leaving, when he can't even bring himself to say his name.When he would do what he hates i.e. Exy, though debatable, just so he could not hear Kevin talk of Neil anymore to him.

  
Renee really hated seeing everything so clearly.

  
Maybe that is why she knew that Andrew was not into their sparring session.Each of his punch lessening in strength, as he pushed himself to be active through the fight.Because that's how he should be.Angry and fighting tooth and nail.But Renee can see he just wants to stop, and let Renee beat him into pulp.

  
Renee knows and wonders how long will Andrew keep pretending.How long will he keep fighting when he is too tired to even open his eyes or lift his arms.Heavy, everything is heavy.His posture slouched as he keeps tiring himself out.Renee wants to shout at him to rest but she knows he won't.But when her muscle memory takes control, she swings him onto the mat and is about to land a punch to his face, he says, "Don't."

  
And Renee does, surprised that she had actually gotten too much into the fight that she was about to hit Andrew and now was straddling him to the mat."I am not in a condition to fight and you would hate me if I let you hit me right now."

  
And suddenly, Renee realized what he meant as she moved away from him. Getting on her feet to pick water bottles from where they had thrown their bags on the bench and brought one for Andrew and one for herself. Because it was true, their sparring session were a place to let their demons play while trusting the other person to fight back and not let the other abuse them like their monsters.

  
"Thank you," She said.

  
Because Renee would forgive him for being selfish and when she looked into his eyes, she knew Andrew stopping her for her own sake, from giving him exactly what he wanted was his own way of apologizing. So Renee only nodded, falling on her back on the mat and prayed to God again that Neil would return back soon as she closed her eyes unable to look at the lights on the ceiling.

  
**

  
_''Andrew, how are you feeling?'' Betsy had asked yesterday._

  
_Andrew had remained silent the whole session, sometimes looking at his barely bruised knuckles, other times staring out of the window.When the session ended with Betsy's still worried eyes at Andrew, Andrew just looked at her.Letting her see whatever she wanted and said, ''Nothing.'' Just nothing and it was okay for Andrew.Actually, he was perfectly comfortable with it._

  
Except he had lied.

  
**

  
Nicky wouldn't dare presume that he knew Andrew. He had never understood Andrew, never understood why he would never look twice at Nicky and Aaron but then get them into Class 1 Exy team, why he would have Allison by the neck on the ground for Aaron, why he would pull his knife at Nicky five times a day at least but punch four guys bloody without a single thought when they attacked Nicky and almost get locked for it.

  
Nicky didn't understand Andrew but he had found understanding Andrew and Neil equally impossible. Two of the sharpest and the most reckless boys Nicky had ever seen, would sometimes sleep together in Andrew's small bed. Positioned as if they were trying to protect the other, as if the other deserved to be protected. _How? And why they would think that?_ Nicky had no idea. _Maybe he did have a little idea as he realized how easily both of these boys bled.The episode at his parents' house was still heavy on his conscience._

  
Andrew's actions maybe difficult for Nicky to comprehend but he still could not bring himself to be blind to all the small things that Andrew couldn't help but show. Nicky knows what they mean, he has missed Erik since he came back for the Minyards, to know how it is to miss your other half.

  
He knows it because Andrew sometimes can't help but be obvious when it comes to Neil or anything related to their little Fox, especially when he thinks no one is looking. For example, when Nicky had entered the t.v lounge of their house in Columbia to call Andrew for dinner, he had found Andrew standing in the middle of the room, a blanket in one hand and what seemed to be Neil's hoodie, only he would have such an ugly hoodie in this house, Andrew's posture screamed truths he wouldn't dare say.To be honest, he hadn't meant to sneak up on Andrew, but he was just standing so still with his back to Nicky that he did not know what to do. Andrew was staring intensely at the hood in his hand as if he was contemplating what to do with it, but if he could have his way, he would burn it to the crisp. Nicky stood there looking at his cousin, feeling a pang in his chest, similar to probably Andrew's.

  
He missed Neil, his presence a bridge among the Foxes. Nicky missed Neil, this was the first time the boys had come to Columbia without Neil, but it was summer vacation and they had no where to go except here. Their makeshift home, that Nicky had built with his awkward and inexperienced hands when he took the twins under his wings.And then when it seemed to hold, they had invited Kevin and Neil along with them in it. Nicky had been so proud, wanting to show off, as if to say, 'Look, this is my home.This is the home I chose for the twins.Tell me, let me know if it feels like a home to you too? Had my efforts paid off? Let me know.'

  
And Neil had. He had felt at home here too, if his scattered clothes on the couch, his favourite cereal in the cabinet, his tooth brush in their bathroom, was anything to go by. But Nicky didn't know how much role Andrew's presence had played in making Neil feel at home here.

  
And now Andrew looked like he regretted ever giving Neil keys to this house. He held his hood in his hand in a claw like grip as if wanting to tear it apart but only to end up throwing it away on the floor.

  
And before Andrew could see Nicky, he moved back to the kitchen and decided to wait for Andrew there. After a while, he heard Andrew climbing the stairs to his room, so he ended up calling Aaron and Andrew from the kitchen, shouting at the top of his lungs.

  
_Time to be cheery Nicky again that the twins hate but Nicky couldn't help but be_ , Nicky thought as he heard the twins climb down the stairs, because Nicky had learned early in life, that if you laughed at pain it would cease to be real.

  
Andrew looked same as ever when he entered the room, as if he was not about to lose it just because he had seen Neil's hood around the house.If Andrew wanted to pretend then Nicky would also keep his worried glances, as Andrew slurped on the gravy Nicky had made, to himself too.

  
But imagine, Nicky's surprise when had returned to the lounge, wanting to pick up Neil's hood and hiding it away from Andrew, so his cousin wouldn't have to see it again, but only to find it nowhere. He had walked to where had seen Andrew throw the hood somewhere around the sofa, but it wasn't there. Nor under the table or where Andrew had left the blanket.

  
_Where did the hood go? Nicky thought._

  
"You are quiet today, my love," Erik asked, his image blurry on the phone but his eyes still conveying the endless love he had for the boy in front of him."Is something worrying you?"

  
Nicky stayed the same, looking at Erik, he was wearing Nicky's favourite white shirt.Nicky loved him so much that he thought he could not take it anymore, his eyes watered at instantly as he ached to be back with Erik, vacations always made him miss Erik more.

  
"Hey, hey, babe.Please, don't cry.Tell me what is it?" Erik whispered as Nicky couldn't hold his gaze anymore and looked down at the blanket in his lap from where he sat in his bed.

  
The room dark from the night outside but the lamp on Nicky's bedside giving enough glow that Nicky was visible to Erik. The moon was soft today but the breeze as humid as Summer's wind is. In such moments, Nicky ached for Germany and the life he have instead bothering with his life here, only to regret wishing out when he still had to take care of his cousins.

  
"Nothing...nothing, I just miss you.A lot." Nicky said, smiling ruefully at Erik.Erik's furrow only stayed for a moment before he removed it to smile at Nicky.Mirroring that same small and sad smile that Nicky threw his way."And...now N-Neil is gone and I don't know what can I do for Andrew," Nicky hiccuped, pouring his heart out to his boyfriend."I miss him too. But Neil made...in his own way...he made Andrew happier, or alive, I don't know.And I miss that idiot but I am so angry at him for leaving Andrew like that."  
Nicky said, rolling his head against the headboard of his bed and closing his eyes as tears poured down his cheeks. Nicky does not think he will always remember the sight of Andrew holding Neil's hood. His back had been towards Nicky but he still looked so painful. Looking at him like that had hurt Nicky and always will whenever he thought of it.

  
Nicky opened his eyes when he heard the front door slam shut. Aaron had been sleepy when they were watching T.V. after dinner, so he was most probably already asleep, as Andrew had taken his car and left.So the front door closing could only mean one thing.

  
He looked back at Erik, telling him to hold and that he would be back in a minute, after looking at Andrew.It was already late, so Andrew better be back.

  
At Erik's hum, Nicky made his way out of his own room and walked up the stairs to stop right outside Andrew's room.Nicky hesitated for a moment.Why was he here? It's not like he could say anything to Andrew? But unable to just sleep without seeing Andrew again, he knocked at the door, "Andrew?" Nicky said.Waiting for his reply and when he got no response he asked, "Are you back?"

  
Nicky knocked again, tried opening the door and found it unlocked."Andrew?" Nicky called, entering inside Andrew's room hesitantly.He opened the door wide enough to squeeze inside once he realized that the room was empty.Nicky looked around the room, walked further inside, he was sure he had heard the door open and close.  
Nicky was about to leave, already scared that Andrew would have his head for entering, and also because entering Andrew's room always felt like entering a lion's lair, only to find something thrown on Andrew's bed.

  
Nicky knew what it was before he could even walk closer to the bed to confirm it.  _Neil's hood._

  
And Nicky could not keep the sob inside him anymore.The tears he had been keeping inside, came back rushing.His own memories of bringing Erik's sweaters back with him and the sadness that enveloped Nicky once he had realized that it did not smell like Erik anymore.

  
Shut up, shut it, Nicky. You shouldn't be projecting your feelings on Andrew, so just shut it.Nicky told himself, wiping his eyes and looking away from the hood, only to find himself looking at the window next to the bed.Nicky does not know what made him walk towards it, maybe because it was open and Nicky thought to shut it but the reason was inconsequential, when it bought him closer to what he was trying to find.Andrew.

  
Sitting on the ledge of the roof, a cigarette in his hand.Looking at it as if t held secrets to the universe and lost in his thoughts, probably.Because if he had been looking he would realize that the cigarette had burnt itself out and was about to hurt Andrew.

  
Nicky quickly put a hand on his lips before a warning escaped them. To warn Andrew, to let him know that the burns hurt.T hat being alone when you are hurting, hurts more. That Nicky knows what it is like to miss someone, to feel your heart being ground tighter and tighter in your chest, but before he could say all of that. Nicky clasped his mouth shut and ran out of the room.

  
He ran all the way to his own room, and slammed the door shut.His heart beating in his chest.He had been in the same scenario once before in his life. It was when he was still living with his parents. And still discovering his sexuality which had led him watching gay porn on the internet. But out of nowhere his parents had come back home early, and he had quickly deleted the history and ran to his room _.Much like this._

  
The moments somehow felt the same. Maybe because both of the times Nicky had seen something he shouldn't have or maybe because both moments made Nicky want to puke.

  
Nicky trudged towards his bed, his body coming down from the adrenaline that rushed through his body.He simply fell on the bed face first, gripping the bed sheet with his fingers as he sighed. And remembered watching Neil and Andrew cuddled together in the nook and corners of different places sharing their poison sticks.

  
Maybe Nicky knew nothing about Andrew and Neil. Maybe he would never be able to understand Andrew or why he kept Neil's hood when he wouldn't even let the monsters mention Neil around him. Maybe Nicky was a fool who wanted too much. Maybe he was projecting, but maybe, only maybe Nicky knew one thing or two about loving and missing someone you couldn't bear living a moment apart. And if Andrew felt for Neil an iota of what Nicky felt for Erik, then maybe Nicky knew something about Andrew too.

  
**

  
_Except he had lied._ Because sometimes, his heart would ache and it would spread through his chest and he wouldn't know what to do with Neil's hood, or anything remotely related to Neil. He wanted to burn it or throw it away, but he could do neither so he only gripped the shirt in his hand. It was soft, worn out and smelled like Neil. Andrew could remember all the times Neil had worn it. And his mind started repeating those moments over and over again. _This was going to be one of those days._ So Andrew had thrown the hood, only to pick it back up and stifling the angry screams inside of him. Eaten the dinner, gotten drunk at Eden's and drove as fast as light.

  
_Now,now Andrew would let himself think of Neil,_ Andrew thought as he finally settled on the roof with a cigarette lit between his fingers. Andrew thought about Neil in that hood in the chronological order, starting from when he had first worn it.To how many times he had looked at Andrew in it and all the words he had said. _Had he whispered yes's in that shirt?_ He had. Many many times.

  
He had worn it to their match against Ravens, he had worn it on a movie night with a Foxes where he had fallen asleep half an hour into the movie as he always did and Andrew had hated himself for wanting to rest his head against his shoulder instead of the sofa's back, he had worn it when Andrew had had ice-cream for breakfast and he had made a disgusted face only to have Andrew shove a spoon full of mint-chocolate in his mouth, he had worn it to bed when Andrew had a particularly ugly nightmare and had to leave Neil and take his car far far away. So many memories, so many curses.

  
_Oh,_ Andrew thought, dropping the cigarette as a reflex. _Look, I just got burned_. As he watched the ashes, trickle out of the smoldering edge of the cigarette. Something made to be burned has finally turned to ashes. And with that Andrew got up to return his bed. Alone.

  
**

  
Kevin had his own reasons to be angry with Neil. One of the major ones being, the fact that he had left Kevin long enough that the next season was starting. He was their Vice Captain, so irresponsible of him, to not return before the season started. But he knew from Wymack that Moriyama's were probably involved, so he knew he couldn't blame Neil but his worry still made him angry at Neil.

  
Because now Kevin had to choose who got to become a part of Foxes as their starting line without Neil. He knew Neil would have had long and hard critics on this. He was so tired of thinking with two brains. First, looking at the potential members from his own eyes and then Neil's.He couldn't be Neil. He was not Neil, he needed Neil here. Because Robin looked at him, expecting him to understand and the Foxes were a mess without him and looked at him to solve the break outs. That was not Kevin, all Kevin knew was Exy.

  
Neil had to be here to straighten Jack out. He had to be here so Kevin didn't have to spend so much time with one striker who was somehow more temperamental than Seth but a better player.

  
Neil needed to be here to practice and watch new techniques with Kevin.More importantly, Neil needed to be here when Andrew woke up screaming his name.

  
Kevin would usually be asleep by now, they have an early practice in the morning. Jack and Robin were beyond help if you asked Kevin, but they needed them on the court so Kevin would make them capable of playing on one. And his brain was up making strategies that would help them, he could help Jack, Robin...Robin was proving to be difficult. It seemed like he had a war going on with the court and refused to be at peace with it.

  
But Jack could be helped.

  
It was 1:30 a.m., Kevin should really really just sleep.So he closed his eyes forcefully, clutching his pillow cover in one hand, as he counted all the fucking sheep he knew because he needed to sleep and not be tired on the court in the morning.

  
After some tosses and turns, he was sleepy enough as he oscillated from thinking about the Greeks and their democracy and how soon he would get to see Thea, he heard a noise coming from Andrew's side of the room. Kevin's eyes were heavy enough to not open easily.Shit, he was finally able to fall asleep but when the noise turned ragged and fast, Kevin had to open his eyes to look.

  
He knew Andrew had nightmares, Neil too, at this point every Fox almost did.But he knew they were more regular with Andrew and Neil, maybe because he roomed with them. He knew that no matter what, their past clung to the boys like a lover.Refusing to leave and coming back again and again to remind them of its presence.

  
Kevin was useless when it came to comforting anyone, not that the boys needed it.But with Neil gone, Kevin felt more out of the loop. The Foxes seem complicated when it came to the training and Andrew, out of reach. But he had pulled a page from Neil's book and got Andrew to at least play. But this...watching him writhe, lost in the hell inside his mind, Kevin had no idea what to do. Once again, he terribly wished he was a little like Neil or that Neil was here.

  
Andrew's body was gripped by terror as his breathing got louder, Kevin watched transfixed. Until Andrew, shot up, choking on Neil's name. Such guttural and feral sounds fell from Andrew's lips that it shocked Kevin to his core.Andrew cursed and coughed, hitting his chest with a fist. This was the most noise Kevin had ever seen Andrew make.They have been roommates for two years now, but Andrew was always silent, especially when he suffered.But as Kevin saw Andrew's silhouette grip his heart through his soaked shirt and his hair, urging himself to quiet down, to bring his breathing under control, Kevin felt his own heart quack.

  
Andrew, after some time, put his head in his hands, as his whole body shuddered at the impact of dream. Kevin never wanted to know what Andrew had dreamed of that had gotten him like this. Never. He was not strong like him, he could not survive and bear such monsters alone.

  
Kevin knew that Andrew was strong enough to bear everything but when it came to losing Neil, it made him like this. He could bear it but it just made him like this. Raw after a nightmare, alone in the dark, beating himself as he cursed under his breath and suffered but still trying his best to not make a noise.

  
Kevin knew Andrew would never be this open about his feelings if he was not so shook from the dream or thought everyone to be asleep. So he closed his eyes, letting his friend miss his other idiot friend in privacy of the darkness and the loneliness he thought he had. If Kevin could not help him the least he could do was let him be vulnerable like this in peace.

  
The last thing he thought of as he dozed off listening to Andrew stabilize his breathing, was that he really needed to find something distracting enough for Andrew in Neil's absence. And he will, he had made a promise to the man who gave him so much and if it was not Neil, he would give him something to live for until Neil returned.

  
**

  
_Neil.Neil.Neil._

  
That's how Andrew wakes up. _Neil,_ choking on his name. Calling his name.

  
Just how Neil had in his dream, as he was tortured over and over again and Andrew was no where to help him.

  
No where near him.No where next to him and Andrew could do nothing as Neil screamed for him.

  
This is why he hated losing Neil, this is what made him angry. This is why he had made Neil repeat again and again that he wouldn't leave. That he wouldn't run.  
Because when had Neil ever come back in one piece. And now, now he has been gone for the longest time he ever had since he joined the Foxes. For all Andrew knew, he could be burning alive, being cut apart and left in a ditch somewhere.

  
Somewhere, he would be thinking about Andrew and Foxes to keep the pain away. Somewhere, he could be struggling to say goodbye to Foxes but being unable to.

  
This is the dark matter than made up Andrew's nightmares. _Neil had made sure that he made Andrew unable to breathe without him, awake or asleep_. Moments like these are the ones where Andrew can't deny who Neil is to him. All the avoidance and denial in the past days, this is what lay under it all.Wanting the idiot to be safe and next to him.

  
_Andrew just wants Neil next to him_. But apparently it's too much to ask.Andrew always asks too much it seems, because the world can never provide him with what he wants.

  
He hadn't wanted Neil. He had gotten Neil. Maybe he had asked for him on nights like these when Andrew was terribly alone and trembling from his nightmares. Hoping and begging the universe for a reason to live. To have someone that cared enough about him to want him alive. To not just...to not just disappear.

  
_''Andrew how do you feel about Neil leaving?" Betsy had finally dared ask Andrew after three months._

  
_**_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me,, tell me...how u like it??!!?!1  
> I really hope it made you guys sad..cuz i got a little emo in the middle.  
> And thank you for your comments, they keep reinforcing me to write instead of giving up because i am unsatisfied by everything I write.SO THANK YOU LOADS and do share how u like this one.


	3. You know I'm the one who put you up there. Name in the sky, does it ever get lonely?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look through Andrew's life after Neil left.  
> (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Its too long.  
> 2) I legitimate wrote each part twice. I am actually thinking of posting drafts or rejected versions of this fic somewhere because they are to many.  
> 3) I feel like these two chapters were unnecessary God knows why I thought writing them would be a good idea. I can't possibly squish 6 months in two chapters. smh.  
> 4) I seriously think I need a beta.:(  
> 5) THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE  
> WARNING GUYS: MENTIONS OF SELF HARM and struggle against it and STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, especially in Robin's part. Please be careful.

Dan has this habit; she is always ready to be surprised by life. She does not know if this habit stems from the fact that her life has rarely ever gone as she planned for it to go or from the wisdom she gained in the messy years she has spent on this planet and observing lives around her. The fact still remains the same, she is rarely surprised, and always prepared when things she least expects happen.

  
But Andrew Minyard wanting to sit among the Foxes and being caught for secretly staring at Neil's picture was still too much for her that it did catch her off guard.

  
It had been a relatively easy day. The new semester was starting, the time when classes were new but not hectic. You had next to no homework, giving you a chance to hang out with your friends without any worries. September also gave you nice excuses to wear crop tops and eat as many ice creams as you want.

  
Foxes were always relaxed after the vacations as well. Aaron and Allison were less catty. Allison usually ends up buying shit of load of things during summer that she is usually excited to show off. And lets not forget the most important thing; Matt, Matt was back to her. It is so weird, how she is used to having him by her side. Her whole life she never thought she would ever need a man or would think anyone capable of being dependent on. But Matt, somehow was so easy to depend on, to simply turn around and ask help to. Dan hated asking for help but she hated it a lot less when it came to Matt. And after spending weeks apart, Matt is right next to her, and something in her feels solid again. Obviously, Matt hardly knows how much Dan craves his presence by her side, maybe he does. Maybe he feels it too, if the way he hugs tight her every time they end up being separated and meet again.

  
Matt always smelled like fresh grass and new hope, and as he smiled from his ice-cream, eyes shining in the orange sun, lips pink as he bit his ice-cream just to annoy Dan, she can't help but think that it is true, Matt is forever for her.

  
And Matt laughed loud, when she sucker punched him for disrespecting ice cream like that and pulled her buy her waist to kiss her cheek, her forehead touching his as he offered her his ice-cream even though she had finished her own five minutes ago. "I missed you," he whispered in her ear.

  
"Missed you too, babe," Dan said it smiling and as easily as the breeze that rolls through the Palmetto streets, in the lazy Thursday afternoon.  
*  
"Wait for me here, I'll be back in a jiffy," Dan shouted as she got off Matt's truck and turned around to walk towards the Foxhole.

  
"You know, how I feel about the word 'jiffy' right?" Matt whined loudly, and Dan couldn't help but laugh. She turned around, walking backwards and blew Matt a kiss with a wink. Matt's lips bloomed into a stupendous smile, as he dramatically put his hand on his heart and fainted on his seat.

  
The dusk made Matt's truck look soft and alive and so did Dan's laugh. She walked a step or two, still looking at Matt through the window of his truck, and his pearly teeth as he smiled at her.

  
"Please, walk carefully. What would I do if you fell down and broken your bones or worse your head and got concussion?" His voice rising by every word that spilled from his mouth, as he himself got half out from his window. His hands holding the door tightly. 

  
Dan rolled her eyes, "Honey, I could balance myself on a pole what makes you think I can't balance myself on a straight open path?" The comment made Matt's eyes shine and ease him a little, but Dan did turn around to walk faster to the court and get back hurriedly to Matt again. God, she loved him.

  
The parking lot was empty except Andrew's car, the birds in the sky twittering their way home. The light-bulbs in the street automatically coming to life and so will the moths that would circle around it in a while.

  
Dan hopped the stairs of the Foxhole and opened the door. Her pace fast, wanting to retrieve her charger quickly that she had forgotten here during practice. Matt had politely asked her on a date today and her stupid mistake and a phone on 3 percent made them detract back here.

  
After taking a few turns in the fluorescent lit hallway, Dan reached the court. She could hear the ball ricocheting among the walls and the sound of the racket swinging with force. Dan loved these sounds, she loved them as loved when her sisters laughed with bottles in their hands at their every hang out, she loved it like she loved her favourite songs, she loved it like she loved Matt sighing whenever he held her, she loved it like she loved Wymack's encouragements tinged with pride whenever she did something good. She loved Exy, it always gave her what the world failed to; love, happiness and an ability to prove her worth.

  
She moved closer to the court, she found Kevin and Robin practicing. When Dan had seen a few days back, Robin approaching Wymack, and letting him know that he was ready to learn now, Dan had been reminded why exactly she appreciated being the captain because as soon as Robin had given a yes, Wymack had looked at Dan to let her know that it was her turn now. And Dan had only nodded in return. Robin was proving to be tricky on the court, he didn't want to play but he never also left the court. And now when he was playing, it felt like he was relearning the sport even though he had played it before. Maybe it was the new surrounding, Dan didn't know. And Jake, Dan grunted at the thought of the man. An aspiring player but a complete jack ass.

  
Dan paused for a moment, supervising Kevin's untiring techniques and Robin's struggle to block him. He was failing. Badly. And that seemed to make him angrier, hence his performance, worse. They really needed to work something out for him.

  
After a while and leaving a trace of her breath on the glass of the court, she moved towards their locker room, entering their lounge first. But before she could enter, she stopped by the door when she noticed Andrew standing in front her picture board. Staring intently, as if trying to burn it with his eyes. Dan wanted to take a step ahead, thinking that she wouldn't hesitate to fight him if he tried to destroy her cherished memories but she stopped when she saw him lift his hand up and rest it against a picture.  
Dan breath caught in her throat. And that was the moment, where hands down Dan could say, she truly felt out of her loop.

  
Andrew Minyard, with his wet dripping hair, black bands and shirt, white towel around his neck, was standing in front of Dan's picture board, with his hand on a picture, pinned a little right of he center of the board. Dan knew what picture was pinned there. It was Neil's and Andrew's she took at the airport.

  
Neil.

  
The boy's thought made her lean against the door, Andrew still unaware of her standing on his left.

  
She waited, she waited for Andrew to steal the photo or maybe move away. But he did nothing like that, he just stood there and kept looking at Neil. Dan acting on her impulse took her phone out, opened the camera app and clicked a picture. And right after the click, her blaring red battery sign, finally gave up and her phone died. She really hoped she had taken that photo, and she didn't know why. Maybe because she wanted to remember what it felt like to be surprised by Andrew or maybe remind herself of the fact that he was a human, not a monster Neil screamed his throat raw telling them.

  
Andrew seemed to notice her, and she quickly removed her phone and entered the room, passing through it to enter the locker room, as Andrew shuffled behind her. After procuring her charger from her locker, she went out of the lounge, out of the court, out of the building and into the car without looking back.

  
"Took you long, baby," Matt commented as she settled into her seat, resting his hand on her thigh.

  
"I'm sorry, didn't mean to." Matt chuckled at that and her somber tone. Muttering how there was no need to sound so serious and that two kisses would solve the problem.  
Dan smiled at that and rested her body against the seat. Her heart rate slowing down as she heard Matt banter and the noise of the engine beneath her feet, clutching her phone in her hand, she tried her best concentrate on Matt only.

Secrets were old friends of the Foxes, she could keep a new one. Even though, everything in her wanted to open her mouth and share it with Matt. But she kept her mouth close and spend the whole ride looking at Matt's side profile change from red to yellow to green, under the traffic lights.

  
And when next day, she found out that Andrew had voluntarily agreed to join the Foxes on their movie night in Matt and Aaron's dorm, Dan promised this was the last time, she would allow Andrew to surprise her. Ever.

  
**

  
From the moment, Andrew dreamed of Neil in pain, missing Neil became easy. It became as familiar to him as holding his goalie racket, as familiar as the steering wheel of his car as he raced like he fought, as familiar as the cigarette box that bulged his pockets, as familiar as breathing, as familiar as being unable to sleep through the nights.

  
_''Andrew how do you feel about Neil leaving?" Betsy had finally dared ask Andrew after three months._

  
For the past days, Andrew had felt and insatiable need in him to see Neil in the things around him. He had taken Neil's ugly jersey out of the closet and had looked at it and then thrown it on his chair.

  
_Neil had been here. He...he would be here again._

  
Had taken Neil's cup out and drank coffee in it. Had only smelled his cigarette without smoking it. He found Neil in Kevin's agitation to deal with the new striker, Jack, whoever he was, as the next semester started. He knew Kevin wished Neil was here, he knew Kevin hated working with the new striker, because he was worse than Seth when it came to playing with Kevin. And he took comfort in it. That Neil leaving had not only disrupted his life but also other's. Had stayed amidst Foxes, as they were back, actually paying attention to the things they said during practice, and finding Neil in them.

  
It had become to a point that he had stood in front of Dan's ugly picture board, to look at Neil. Andrew pressed his hand at the picture again, touching and caressing it. Neil's skin was so familiar, he could almost feel how it felt to touch it. He wanted to trigger his memories of it, but the cold surface of the photo and Neil's half profile hiding the fear and intensity in his eyes, when he told Andrew his name. Not the truth, as only Abram was the truth, but a secret nevertheless. He had burned in the sunlight. He was orange, blue, wild and so destructive that Andrew had only wanted to reach out that day and touch. To feel if he was as hot as he burned. Later Andrew had found that Neil did, he burned as bright as his hair, his breath was as blue as his eyes, and his heartbeat as rapid under Andrew's hand as his shaking legs. But the picture did not tell Andrew any of this. It hid all that made Neil Neil, so Andrew decided that cherishing memories in photos was useless.

  
So was Dan, snooping in when Andrew had been just about to move away. Photos did no justice to Neil. There was no smoke rising out of his shoulders in the photos as the sunlight smouldered him in yellow and grey. The sunset really had set Neil on fire that day and for the umpteenth time, Andrew realized there were things scarier than falling. _Sometimes, they looked like pretty scarred liars fighting the whole world. Sometimes, Andrew voluntary stepped of the ledge._

  
Neil had been nothing short of a pipe dream and the picture made him solid, trapped in dimension, and dull. Lies.

  
Pictures were lies, Andrew had no idea why any would want to capture anything through a camera lens. He went about collecting his clothes as Dan did her own thing. The clitter-clatter and soft footsteps were the only thing alive in the room between them.

  
The nightmares came raging these days, leaving Andrew reeling up and down. High and low. Wanting to beg anyone for help or killing himself. Andrew did not think he would worry that much about Neil, he hadn't. It all came as a surprise to him and Andrew Minyard hated surprises. He hated nausea that he woke up everyday to and he hated Neil Josten.

  
One of the many reasons Andrew loathed rides in amusement parks were, because of the fact they made you grasp onto, one thing or another, to keep yourself planted. The height, the screams, the changing world and rising bile, were other reasons. Andrew hated grasping the steel belts so hard that they left the smell of rust on his hands. Neil was like that, an annoying smell nestled under Andrew's skin.

  
Andrew itched to let him out. And seeing how impossible that felt at this moment, the only other option was holding on tighter. Which made Andrew think about how if Neil was here, Andrew would leave marks on his skin, indents and bruises, every time he woke up from a nightmare where he lost him to monsters, wishes and death.

  
As Andrew raced through the road, leaving Robin and Kevin back home, he thought if he still had the pills in his system, he would be uneven enough to imagine Neil next to him in the car. His laugh, his voice, his smirk as he would beat Andrew in his own game of wits. Andrew, for a moment, let himself drop low and actually wish that. Wish Neil being next to him, even as a smoke, as a trick of light, as a symptom of some misguided medication.

  
Because Andrew hated that he was sober enough to feel his absence as it was. Heavy, honest and rageful.

  
Andrew had really hoped that this feeling would pass, but a week down the road, as Andrew sat on the rooftop, he was disgusted to realize that it had remained. Clutching to him like Neil himself had, unwilling to leave Andrew alone.The sun was merciless but Andrew still couldn't seem to choose shade over it. The burning cement throbbed the skin of his hand, as he sat on their support on the roof top. He hated it, the rooftop, but he still couldn't stop coming here. Away from everyone and everything. Closer to death and his nothing.

  
_Come back, just come back to me. Just come back to stay. Come back to be ghost in my life, a voice in my mind._ In the tortured moments like these, of him standing at the edge of the rooftop, imagining the drop and the crash, Andrew let himself want Neil back.

  
_"How do I feel, Bee?" Andrew had decided to answer Bee now, "I stand on the edge of the roof and don't feel a thing. I literally swerved my car a few seconds away from the crash and all I could think was..." Andrew breathed. He had bigger fears now. He had bigger fears that came in form of nightmares, that Neil's constant absence was turning real by every second for Andrew._

  
_"I thought I had felt the worse, Bee," That's all he had said, letting Bee finish the sentence._

  
***

  
A little relief and a lot of hot burning anger came around the start of fifth month when Nicky had woken Andrew up, flashing his screen in front of his sleepy eyes. Sleep which he had hard-earned. Sleep, like that of desert and few miser minutes.

  
"What?!" Andrew had said in a cranky voice that he refused to own. But Nicky's needling voice, to his already brittle ears, felt like hell and woke every murderer instinct in him.

  
"Neil..." Nicky screamed, and for a tormenting second Andrew thought that he was here. That Neil had returned and was here to be with Andrew. All his early morning haze had vanished and he had thrown his blanket aside to get up and look.

  
Andrew breathed and breathed. He looked at the door behind Nicky- that's when his breath bated.

  
_Neil wasn't there._

  
What... what did Nicky mean then? He looked back at Nicky, and the pain in his eyes made a deafening noise erupt from somewhere inside his chest.

  
_Deception and mistakes._

  
Nicky apparently was strong enough to shake himself into present first before Andrew as he raised his hand, ridden with painful tremors, to show Andrew his phone. "N-Neil," he choked.

  
Why were his hands shaking? Why was Nicky looking so close to tears?

  
Andrew didn't want to touch the phone. It felt like the virtue people like Drake pretended to possess. Andrew felt his stomach curl and everything in him revolt in disgust.

"What-," Andrew didn't want Nicky to know, what the thought of his ragged open face and voice triggered in Andrew. The ideas. The nightmares, that rattled Andrew in his sleep, the daydreams that made him look at his knife in deep consternation, all being turned into reality. _Neil being back, Neil being tortured, Andrew losing Neil, Neil deciding to stay wherever he was, Neil choosing Nathaniel instead, Neil...Neil being dead and cold before he could even make that choice._ "What does it say?" Andrew bit into the idea of Neil being gone forever. He didn't think he could read the message himself.

  
Nicky looked at him, wondering why Andrew wasn't snatching the phone from his hand. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as he drew his hand towards himself that was previously hanging between them. After looking at Andrew, then at the screen, he decided to simply read the message. His face lit by morning light, his fingertips by the screen of his phone. Andrew hated how his body reacted, his hands gripping the sheets of his bed, his whole body taut as it usually did in a fight, preparing for the sharpest blow he knew he couldn't avoid.

  
Nicky cleared his throat,"Neil sent me a message. I woke up this morning it was there, an unknown number wishing me belated birthday, before I could even process who it was, Dan was knocking at our door, telling me she received one too." He cleared his throat, still looking at Andrew for his reaction. And Andrew cleared his heart of black plague, that the worry for Neil's life, had broken in him. Spreading, spreading, causing necrosis only stopping when Nicky opened his mouth.

  
**"Happy Birthday, Nicky. Sorry for the late wish."** The message had said, according to Nicky. He hated that this is all he had said. He hated how happy Nicky was at the message. He hated how relieved _Andrew_ was at the message.

  
Neil was a fool, he was a fool, who had sent birthday wishes to the Foxes on their birthdays.

  
"Andrew..." Nicky began.

  
"Leave." Andrew told his body to let go of the tension, still looking at phone in Nicky's hand and wanting to rip it out of his grip and calling whatever number Neil had sent the message from. But he knew it would be untraceable. Neil was an idiot only when it came things related with staying, with _not disappearing_. But the idiot was fine, he was _fine_ and breathing. Thriving enough to send wishes to the foxes. Nicky for the first time, didn't stay to pester instead walked out silently, closing the door behind him.

  
_Fuck,_ Andrew thought as suddenly all the fight left his body and he dropped back on the bed.

  
He closed his eyes, his heart still recovering from the small death.

  
As Andrew waited for his heart rate to dull down, he grabbed his new phone and saw no new messages on it. Wanting to break this one too, Andrew ignored everything in him that wondered the 'what if'. The what if that said if he had not changed his sim, would he have gotten a message or not?

  
It didn't matter, Neil was safe, safe enough to send wishes, and now, now Andrew was free to hate him with full force.

  
***

  
Wymack was worried. This was their first match after winning the championship last year. Everyone was waiting at the edge of their seats, wanting to see how the Foxes would perform. But the Foxes had no Neil this time, and two new members. Jack refused to blend in with the team and Robin still fretted over holding even the racket.

  
"You called?" Andrew came barging into his office, same disinterested face but angry body. Throwing the door open, not caring as it banged against the wall and created a riot.

  
Wymack struggled hard not to roll his eyes at Andrew's tantrum's. "Yes, I did. Come sit down," Wymack said, using his best patient voice, gesturing towards the seat in-front of his desk.  
Andrew pointedly ignored the request and only leaned against the door. Wymack sighed and started talking, knowing well that the quicker he got to the point, the less agitated Andrew would be. "I need to ask, how.." Wymack paused, looking at him. Sometimes his apathy broke Wymack. "How would you be playing tonight?"

  
Wymack tried to keep the eye contact as the silence, started somewhere from Andrew's side of the room and spread through out every corner of his tiny office,"Robin is unpredictable, we don't know if he can play well or not? So, I need t-"

  
"If 'we' don't _know_ whether Robin can play or not, then why is he even here?" The question abruptly ended whatever Wymack was about to say. The irritation in Andrew's voice surprised Wymack, he didn't think Andrew would bother enough about Robin to ask. Wymack knew his remark was not a jibe at Wymack's team but rather an observation that riddled Andrew. Wymack knew Andrew had yet to test Robin, he had no idea why he had waited this long. With Jack even Wymack knew, he was all bark and no bite. But Robin... Robin was wrapped in all that made Foxes one of the most undignified teams.

  
"He will get there. All Foxes do. Don't direct the conversation where it is not supposed to go and tell me what can I expect from you tonight?" Andrew looked at him, contemplating his answer and brewing poison in his own mind.

  
Wymack knew something dangerous would come out but Andrew only dripped, "When..." pausing to make fists out of his hand, "when did he say he would return?"

  
And this is it. This is what kills Wymack, this is what makes him realize how old he has grown. How much he has lived and seen, that he can't do _this_ anymore. This, that shone through Andrew's eyes, that did through every Foxes'. This, that made Wymack decide who was going to be a Fox and who needed it so bad that Wymack had to have them on his team.

  
This, the silent helplessness and defiance that came with the idea of asking for help or being given one. This, that showed that even though Foxes fought hard for the spine they all had, they still lacked in something. And sometimes, the need for that something, reflected like tears in their eyes.

  
"I don't know, Andrew." Wymack sighed, running a hand through his face and keeping it there. Hiding his face, being unable to help Andrew in any way. Or even bringing him any peace. "He didn't say anything. All he said was, he is going away and _will_ come back. "

  
Wymack heard Andrew scoff at that, so bitter that he dared not look. He knew Andrew was fighting all that rose in him to quieten it, to tell himself he didn't care that much about Neil when he wondered about him everyday. All of them did, the Foxes looked like a robot with one broken knee cape, trying to walk like nothing was wrong, without Neil. They looked misshaped, trying to pretend everything was okay, and Andrew looked the same.

  
Wymack continued, "And I told him, he always could. That we would be here accepting him back."

  
"Wrong move, coach. Wrong move." Wymack slowly, removed his hand to look at Andrew. Andrew looked like he was ready to fight, "You don't even know who you are opening your arms for. He came as a rabbit, left as a Fox. Who knows what would he return as, _if_ he even came back."

  
Wymack gave him an equally stern look, "Doesn't matter. I _know_ he would come back, I believe in him even though you want to delude yourself that you don't-"

  
"I don't believe in liars, coach."

  
"Stop calling him a liar when he told Foxes the truth when his skin was burning and arms were bleeding. He had told us everything, especially you, bared himself to his corroded bones for his home. This is his home and he will return."

  
Andrew looked at him like he thought Wymack was a petulant child refusing to see the truth, but Wymack could see even now, see the same trust he had seen albeit reluctant but bright in Andrew's eyes for Neil in the kitchen in their house in Columbia, swirl and swirl to life.

  
Andrew only uncrossed his arms after their staring contest and left the office.

  
Needless to say, Andrew handed their win to them that night.

  
***

  
He knew Neil would be watching this game. He knew he would be. And for the whole week, Andrew had been pondering and silently promising himself that he would play his worst game today.

  
He would skip the easiest shots, he would make the goals against Foxes close above 50, this is how bad he would play. He would hand Foxes one of the worst of their losses singlehandedly.

  
Robin was fractured and Renee could do only so much if Andrew refused to cooperate. The instigator in him bared his shark like teeth at the idea. But after listening to Wymack ramble about his blind faith in Neil made him angry enough not to go along with the plan.

  
_Fuck, Neil and his rabbit feet. Believe that he would be back? Wait for that fucking rabbit? Wait for a runner who promised to stay?_

  
_Fuck that shit._

  
Andrew hadn't replied to Wymack but he had played his full half, angrily shooting every shot of the opposite teams' strikers away. Yes, Andrew was back in defense, and would kill anyone who tried getting across him.

  
Neil had made him stupid. With his cracking eyes and clever words had taken, shots and shots again at Andrew, until Andrew had let him inside his guards and stay. Now he wanted him out.

  
But what could Andrew do, Neil was under Andrew's skin. He could feel Neil's presence just beneath the surface and he was and has always been there like an itch. And no matter how many times Andrew scratched, scratched his skin, almost tearing his self apart to let Neil out, always finding him just a layer deeper.

  
_Maybe a knife would work. Maybe he had to cut Neil out like a sickness._

  
'No, not the knives.' That's what he had told Bee in the last session. That had been the only thing he had been able to say.

  
Andrew was throwing his defenses up, he knew Neil would be watching this show and he wanted him to see this. That Andrew would not accept him back even if the Foxes did. That he could come back, that he may have a place among the home Wymack promised but not with Andrew. Now that Andrew knew, Neil was safe, no one could fathom how much happy it made him to let his anger roam free. So he played, the heaviest game he ever had, in the first match of the season, painting his message in red on the court that, Andrew was still standing without Neil and his absence had no affect on him, if not make him angrier.

  
Revenge was stupid but avenging the broken promises that cut his skin upon touch were not the same the same thing. And when he entered the lounge and found Robin looking at him with awe in his eyes, similar to Neil's, he stopped the shiver that threatened his body, wavering his newly built stance and decided something had to be done about that, before it broke his weakly but surely held new resolve.

  
***

  
Robin was new to the Foxes, but being new to the places wasn't ironically a new feeling to him. Every day he felt like he was new to the world, disconnected since he had left the place that held him hostage for many years of his life.

  
He was new to the jokes, to how Foxes knew each other without even being able to hold a proper conversation, new to how quick they were to react when Jack said something downright pathetic. It was new to find things pathetic again.

  
He had gotten too used the gray where he existed that it was weird to see people still get angered and separate black from white. If you asked Robin, he would say he was still stuck somewhere in the black. That's why he hid from the Foxes, hid from the spotlights, hid from the court. What can he say, he is as twisted as they get and everything in life either makes him laugh or angry and being under the spotlight meant everyone knowing that. Robin, surely, didn't want everyone knowing that.

  
So he never plays like himself on the court, he never plays like how sad his life is that, all that could help him survive, was a fucking sport. That all that kept him afloat was a sport, a stick-ball as sometimes Foxes called it to annoy Kevin. Robin still didn't know why though, he did say he was new to this.

  
He spent playing his time how a proper goalie is supposed to, how Kevin keeps telling him to. How Renee keeps telling him to, both educating him how to hold the racket like its a part of him. And Robin just wants to throw the fucking racket away and leave, because no this is not how he plays. He hates how he doesn't know how wants to be on the court, what he wants to shout as he deflects every ball, all he knows is, it's not what they keep telling him.

  
And Kevin just goes too far one day when he is too annoyed. Robin understands, the season is starting and their striker, Neil Josten, is missing. Robin is aware that Kevin had asked Andrew to teach him how to play. And Andrew hadn't even moved an inch at the suggestion. Robin thought that was downright humiliating, having admired Andrew's play for so long.

  
He knew something was off with the Minyard, he knew it before he had even started the team. But instead of it scaring him, it drew him to the Minyard. Because Minyard didn't hide the fact that he was not as much a part of Foxes as everyone was. But the rejection only made Robin want to find his own place in the court. All you ever got in life was all you ever fought for and _that_ Robin knew. He practiced with Kevin and Renee, noting all they told him. Practicing how he would like to take it but it. just. wasn't. working.

  
He had been working late in the court one night. Kevin had left after Andrew's warning that he wanted to leave and if Kevin chose to stay behind he could come on his own. But Robin had stayed behind even after Kevin grumbled and left with Andrew in tow.

  
Robin felt awkward and out of place in a well-oiled machine foxes were. He had been housed with Aaron and Matt as Jack had chosen a separate room for himself.

  
Robin didn't feel like he had a place among the Foxes. But not because he thought they were too clean, no he was aware that everyone here had black painted on their hands and red in their teeth. But because he thought, they had somehow learned to cope with it. To wake up every day and get used to the demon horns they had and the noise their claws made as they played Exy. Foxes were like the creatures Robin used to read about in his books.

  
Allison reminded him of the Red Riding-hood, Robin had yet to decide if she was more like the Red or the wolf, Renee as a deceptive witch asking you to enter the gingerbread house, Dan was a shape-shifter who changed into a cunning lioness who led the hunt, Kevin as an extremely old dracula who had pocketful of weaknesses but saw drinking others blood as a part of nature. Matt was a werewolf, fluffy and big but fierce once the gam started. Aaron was a goblin, ready to sneak up and steal whatever caught his eyes and Nicky was a young adonis, being ruled by other's wishes as Fates decided his downfall and his every fatal flaw. And Jack...Jack was simply a leech. There was nothing magical about him, Robin often wondered how he was among the Foxes but then he also wondered the same about himself.

  
And last but not the least, Andrew Minyard. Robin did not know what kind of beast he was, beast not the monster though, as Foxes sometimes called him unconsciously, just to stutter and call him something else. Andrew Minyard was something regal, dangerous and downright amoral. He could be a Dragon, but Robin hesitated to put him as anything, fearful that he would never be right.

  
But Robin knew for sure that the name, Neil Josten, had something to do with Andrew Minyard. He didn't know what, but he had seen Foxes whisper it like the secret when they thought Andrew was not there. He knew that Neil had joined Foxes last year and the Foxes that he saw now were all due to his efforts. He knew that he was off on a vacation right now that no one had any clue about. He knew Neil Josten was a person you shouldn't mess with, he had seen what he had done to Riko Moriyama, so he knew Neil Josten was scary as fuck. He also knew that to Foxes he was like a baby, and even Andrew had something going on with him. And that, only made him someone Robin wanted to avoid like a plague, because if Neil could move someone as unmovable as Andrew, Robin wanted nothing to do with him and wanted him to stay where ever he was.

  
Robin thought all of this as he shifted his feet and the position of his arm in the mirror in the locker room. He felt uncomfortable in his skin, an impostor trying to play an average boy in a Class 1 Exy team. Not a criminal, not someone that bloodied the racket every time he held it.

  
Robin had been thinking about the blood on his hand when he suddenly dropped his racket. His arms heavy after holding them for hours. He had practiced hard for days now, almost above 12 hours a day, wanting to participate well in the coming season and not humiliate Foxes. Wanting to prove his place but all the fire ran out of him as soon as he was alone. His masks fell as he looked at himself in the mirror. Flashes of all the horrors he had done, the crimes he had been an accomplice in, came rushing back and he crouched down. Holding his screams of his part self aside and blocking the words of his captor out as he pressed his hands to his ears. 

  
_Stop, stop, stop,_ he wanted to shout. It was too much, he was going to lose everything. He could never have a new life, when his previous life still held him bound. They had said that it had not been his mistake. He had been just a _child._ He knew better, he knew better that even as a child he had the choice, between himself and the new children the captor wanted to bring in. Robin had always chosen himself. They had called it Stockholm syndrome,  but Robin knew it as ruthless survival.

  
Shit, he thought. He got up from his position, searched his bag that rested on the bench. The locker room shifted in to the dungeon he was kept in, it shifted and shifted. _Shit, shit, shit._ He shouldn't be doing this. He tossed everything out of his bag with unsteady hands. _Where are they? Where are they?_

  
After finding them, Robin sat in the corner of the dark locker room. He doesn't know how long he sat there for. Maybe minutes or maybe hours. He just sat there. Gripping them in his hand,taking comfort in the fact that he could if he wanted to. He breathed in and out, trying to rationalize,  _he shouldn't, he shouldn't._ He would have to lie to Betsy. She could pick up on it and they won't let him play. His thighs would hurt bad, he wouldn't be able to move. Foxes would know as well.  _Shit._  

  
But the need in him blinded him, because he knew it would all go away. The battle reigning inside him would be silenced, he knew it. And before he could give in, he finally screamed unable to hold everything inside of him and threw them away. He kept screaming and slapping his face. _Don't, don't crawl towards them now. Not now when you have thrown them. Don't, don't, do-_

  
"Don't," A voice said from the other side of the room and Robin's heart stopped working. _He had been found, he been found and now he would be punished._ The voice sounded so much like his captors that it scared him witless and suddenly he was back in the house, in his memories. _Locked, locked, locked in the dar-_

  
The lights in the room sprang to life, bringing every shiver of Robin's body visible to whoever he had as his audience. He heard footsteps coming towards him, his body shaking beyond belief. _This wasn't how it was supposed to go, he had just been practicing an hour before and look where he was now. He had been going fine. He had been legally forgiven and psychologically stamped as 'safe'. How had he found himself in the corner again?_

  
The footsteps stopped, until he heard _them_ being kicked until they slid under the lockers. Away from Robin's reach, somewhere Robin knew his fingers couldn't reach them. Robin's hand turned cold with fear. _Someone knew his secret, they would report him. He wouldn't be able to play again. He would probably get thrown in an institute or something. Obviously, he would. He was new here and had no loyalties._

  
But Andrew Minyard's face came into his vision when he crouched in front of him, and Robin felt his lips quiver. His expression was hard and he looked like he was stopping himself from punching Robin. " I didn't do it. I didn't, trust me, I didn't." His voice broke as hysterics took over him, his cheeks wet somehow. Desperate, wanting Andrew to believe. Wanting someone, anyone, to believe in him.

  
Andrew had looked at him, and Robin knew whatever he was going to say would break him. But, on the contrary,Andrew's words had the exact opposite effect, "Good, " he said. Holding Robin's chin and making him look at him."Make me a promise," he added. Robin didn't even have to know what he wanted because it didn't matter. Robin was already nodding his head when Andrew pinched him to make him stop.

  
"I'll help you play," then he said, angry. "But promise me, you won't to touch them again." Robin had no idea why Andrew would ask him that. Would want to help him when Robin could provide him with nothing in return.

  
But Robin, who had been drifting and floating since he joined the Foxes, latched upon the lifeguard Andrew threw, agreeing to whatever he asked. Agreeing to whatever help he gave Robin. Anything that would let him have this makeshift of a life permanent.

"I am not kind to people who break their promises," he warned. The fear that settled heavy on his chest, felt like safety.  _It would keep them away, it would keep his thigh clean._

  
Robin held the skin of his crunched up trouser in his lap and nodded. "I won't. I won't break it." Because the look Andrew gave him, told him that he would make sure that Robin wouldn't even come close to. And when he grabbed Robin's neck to seal their deal, Robin knew he had been saved. For as long as he held his promise, he could have the life he had been given a chance at.

  
And when Andrew told him to change rooms with Nicky and transfer with him and Kevin, he could only agreed. Robin didn't know how and why he was so desperate to latch onto Andrew and tried his best not to. He knew Andrew was closed off and kept everyone at bay, so he did his best not to be a burden.

When he moved into their rooms, he found even the bed above Andrew's was empty and so was the one that Kevin occupied. Why did they kick Nicky out, when they had an extra bed and space enough for both? But Andrew signaled towards Kevin's bed and Robin thought maybe Andrew did let someone in. Because the neat and arranged bed that looked like no one had slept on it for ages was still out of any one else's range.

  
Soon Andrew started teaching him how to play. Weirdly, he didn't tell him to adopt his own style, though he had a suspicion he was subconsciously picking up on it, but instead Andrew told him whatever would work for him. Somehow, Andrew had decoded what scared Robin. From the questions he answered sometimes about his past, sometimes about the game, he was slowly teaching Robin ways how Foxes got to be strong. Not only that, now he had a place to belong, he could see himself holding _them_ in his hands only to get rid of them once again. It was so easy now, so easy. Because whenever he thought he was alone, he thought of Andrew and his promise and told himself. _No, he was not._ Not until he learned how to play. Till then he would have made himself into something that Andrew wouldn't mind keeping with him.

  
***

  
Maybe Andrew should have been able to predict it. Maybe he should've kept it in his mind that as he spent days lying to himself about Neil's promise to come back, he should've kept it in his mind that Neil was an arrogant and stubborn asshole. Maybe then he wouldn't have felt it like a punch to his gut.

  
Only if Andrew had been prepared, he swears it wouldn't have hurt this much to look at him. He had seen Neil enter the lounge. First one to notice him and how he had surveyed the room.

  
To notice that he was back. Back. Back to Foxes, among them, in middle of them as they huddle around him. One pushing his arm, others touching his hair. Everyone wishing, welcoming him back and returning his promised place to him. Andrew's anger shuddered, threatening to wake up whatever beast that slept in his chest. But Andrew was somehow finding it difficult to breathe. Andrew could swear it wouldn't have felt like this, looking at his painful smile, short cut hair, dancing hands and grieving eyes.

  
He looked so different, that it hurt Andrew. _Oh Neil, what have you done to yourself now?_

  
Andrew could promise on his life that sitting on that rusty sofa in between Aaron and Robin, Andrew would have been calm and he was. He _was_ calm. He was oceans of calm but suddenly, Neil's voice latched onto him and triggered something in him. Something violent and yearnful. Something that made Andrew want to cry for the first time, or scream. And Andrew hated it.

  
He was calm, but Robin whispered, "Andrew," his voice laced with something that made Andrew think that maybe something was wrong. Maybe something was wrong with him. Because Robin looked at him with worry and he could hear harsh noises, coming low and panicked from somewhere. Robin didn't look away, his lips opening to say something but he didn't have to. Andrew knew. _Oh, he was the one making all the hushed noise._

  
He was calm when Neil came back, didn't even react, but looks like his inability to breath properly gave him away. Because right now Andrew was losing control over himself, and he didn't want anyone to know. He grabbed Robin's arm to shut him up and tried to make the world stop rotating for him.

  
_He is back. He is safe. He is back and safe. He is in front of Andrew._ He looked happy to be home, and the uplift of Andrew's own heart made him want to scream.  
Missing him had felt like being rained on by fire, and he had walked all these nights in it. Head looking at the sky, catching all the curses straight to his face, his lips, as they trailed down to his body.

  
_He knew he smelled of smoke all the time for a reason._

  
Now he was back, his urgent and familiar voice, sent pangs of something inside Andrew's chest. The room started loosing color, all the bright revolting colors blending into monochrome. His vision, still stuck on Neil, got blurry. It made Neil slip away.

  
_No. Not again. Ple---_

  
_Just not again._

  
He bit his lips, and tried to concentrate on the sensations around him. On Robin's tensed arm under his hand. _No, stay here. Stay here._ But he was tripping.

  
And suddenly, Andrew was reliving all the previous months. The absence of Neil's cold hands after morning run, his sweaty hair as Andrew kissed him after practices, his sweet tongue as he shoved strawberry after strawberry in his mouth and grinned at Andrew.

  
_He could have that. Only if Neil hadn't gone away. He could've had all of that_. And then Andrew was alone, sitting on the roof top. Looking at the sky. Tilting his head back and back. He would fall, he could fall. Andrew wondering whether he would scream as he fell to his death or not. Robin and his scars. Temptations everywhere. Aaron and his anger; pity every where.

  
_Get out of it. Get out of it._

  
His voice, Neil's voice. It was new. Was same. But new. More raw, more chirpy. Making Andrew wonder what the hell he would have gone through all these months. _Selfish Andrew, always thinking how Neil had hurt him instead how much he would have been hurt himself._ But if it hurt him as much as it did Andrew, why didn't he come back?

  
But now Neil was here, he was back. Neil was safe and Andrew could see him every day. Andrew didn't know what all of this meant. He hadn't thought this far, over the months he had thought of Neil in so many ways, felt so much about him that he forgot to hold onto those feelings strong enough for when he got back. Because suddenly, Andrew didn't feel his anger, his agony at being left, the broken promises, the loneliness, the void that had been eating him alive, the nightmares, in just a moment Neil's sight had him weak. He wanted to separate Neil from everyone, grab his arm and take him away. So far away he could never be lost again. To keep him close to Andrew's chest and in his arms. To kiss him till he bled and unravel in his arms like he used to.

  
And suddenly the want became too much for Andrew. _Want out. Want away._

  
He got up, he felt Robin reaching out for him but Andrew made a run. _Want out of here. He is alive, he is here. And Andrew feels so much relief, pain and anger that he wants out._

  
Anger, he chose anger for now. He hadn't meant to make a fuss while leaving; the sofa skidding, Robin standing up to steady him. _Robin was so stupid._ But feeling this detached and shaky was making it hard to prioritize stuff. And right now, he only knew he had to get out of here.

  
_He was too much. Neil was always too much._

  
_He is back._

  
_He is back._ Andrew breathed as he walked pass the swinging doors, the dark court, the lobby, to his car. Keys.

  
_He is back, but for how long?_  His heart shuddered and he knew he wouldn't be able to drive. He lifted his hands to his hair, wanting to crouch down and bang his head somewhere.

  
Fuck, how did Andrew get so worse. It felt like all the bottled tight emotions were rushing out, refusing to be contained under Andrew's skin. Ripping it inside out and breaking free. Andrew shook with the ferocity his body rebelled against him. And for a moment, Andrew thought, could he die like this?

  
Andrew had always wondered that when he was young, he always wondered if the pain, _this much pain_ , could kill him.

  
No, he knew he couldn't drive but... _something_ still needed to be out.

  
He knew he had to face Neil and Foxes again, _fuck,_ he was back and he would want to tell Andrew why he had left, why he had come back.

  
Andrew knew why he came back. _His promises._

  
Andrew leaned against the car, hot metal burning his back, and rubbed his eyes with the heal of his hands and the images got printed deeper and deeper inside of him. Trying to erase the pain on Neil's face. _Fuck,_ he had looked like he was about to break.

  
Fuck, fuck , fuck. Andrew couldn't breathe.

  
_Out, it needed to be let out._

  
Andrew jerked his hands away from eyes, and looked around him. The asphalt looking like a mirror floor, reflecting all the fire sun couldn't contain and aiming it towards him.  
Need to find something, something. Anything. _Had to make it stop._

  
Andrew's whole body turned cold at that thought. Andrew knew what he would do when his thoughts trickled towards the dark edges of his monster bed. No, no, has to hide it under the bed. _Had to-_ Andrew knew how close his knife was. It was nestled between a memory and his pulse. It breathed with Andrew. But Andrew wasn't breathing at this point, he needed to let the knife breathe.

  
But the moment his hand raised unconsciously towards his armbands- his memories, shared with another scared boy, sharing what Andrew never thought he would let anyone know- and suddenly he broke out of it.

  
_No, Neil was back. No, what would Betsy say. Fuck, Robin would lose whatever trust he was building if he watched Andrew falling to similar demons._

  
So he started walking, he needed to distract himself. He walked past the grills of the parking lot, pass the concrete walls guarding the foxhole. Then it was all too much, so he smashed his hand against the wall to make it stop.

  
The noise, his mind was so noisy. It had been silent these days, he had learned to breathe without Neil. He was tutoring Robin, holding up his promises, sparring with Renee, letting Bee know things about his past that Neil's absence triggered and she was urging him to get comfortable with the idea of platonic, harmless touch of the people, that he trusted wouldn't take more. Andrew felt like vomiting, so he punched again.

  
_It felt like nothing._ He was doing fine, after walking through ember days, red weeks, and choking months. He was fine.

  
_He was fine during the days, but his nights still held him bound. A room full of Neil's screams and broken bones._

  
Again. He needed to hit again to feel. And then...

  
"Andrew," he heard a choked voice. And there it was, the hurt. The hurt that was killing Andrew. _And him. He sounded so hurt._

  
It made Andrew want to hit again. He didn't need Neil here right now. He had been doing _fine_ , after all that Neil tortured him with, he was fine and he knew he would be. Andrew had been stupid enough to trust and the lesson always left marks on him. He was familiar with it. But nevertheless, he knew this lesson by heart.

  
"Andrew...stop," He was not familiar with this. Andrew looked at the bloody wall and thought that if he tried to speak right now, would he also sound like Neil? Or worse?  
His body started showing the signs of whatever emotions that toiled it. Andrew hated that Neil was here to see him like this. See him, Andrew could see him. W-what, what was he doing right now? Why was he reaching for Andrew?

  
Didn't he know that touch scared Andrew?

  
"Don't," Andrew shouted, flinching away. The throbbing pain in his hand, the words, the pain, the need to let something out, were taking him places in his past that he would rather not go.

  
_This is Neil, this is Neil. He is an idiot, an ass, but he pulls away when you tell him to. You are safe here._ He doesn't feel so safe though.

  
Neil pulled so far back that he ended up falling on the ground. He was looking up at Andrew as if Andrew had cursed him to seventh hell. Andrew didn't remember if he had. Everything was so messy inside his mind, and outside, Neil looked equally wrecked. _Andrew knew, he wouldn't have cursed hell on him. He already looked like he was bloody from it. The pits and chasms of his past, his regrets and memories. How could Andrew ever wish more pain on him?_

  
But why did he look like that? So broken. Andrew felt the same, but he hoped that he didn't look like that at least. He didn't want to look so bare.

  
He wished he looked cold, uncaring, brutal and angry. Scary not scared. Vicious not weak. He wished he looked exact opposite of Neil, because Neil right now, represented everything he hated.

  
But the ground seems to be burning and Neil is resting and scratching it with his nails. If Andrew concentrated enough he could hear the cries of his fingers over the noise of Neil's heavy breathing.

  
_It was probably hurting Neil to do that, Andrew let himself grip on the thought enough to pull himself to the present._

  
To the outskirts of the Foxhole. To barren parking lot behind Neil. To pinching and dripping pain of Andrew's hand. To the blue, blue, yellow sky. To the trees, green and forgiving. Birds being loud and quiet, not knowing any other way to be, to express, to let it out. To the neon paints on the road, to direct the misled and forgotten.  
He was among the Foxes.

  
Misdirected and lost. Renee. Bee and Wymack. Booze, he had his car. He raced it through towns, Kevin and Robin interchanging passenger seat. Promises, Aaron and his new found happiness.

  
He was here, and Neil was looking at him as if he had ripped his hear out of his chest.

  
Now that Andrew could see clearly, hear properly, feel a little less than before, to know _how_ _much_ he was actually feeling, now that the frenzy had left him.

  
He could look at Neil, and kept looking at him as Neil looked lost somewhere inside his own mind. Trapped and afflicted. His body strapped to the ground as if the excruciating pain he felt, would worsen if he moved. Like chaffing clothes on burnt skin.

  
And Andrew felt exhausted. All the lost sleep of the previous months, all the tireless practices he did with Robin to pass time, all the sore backs he got lying on the rooftop through the days and nights alike, looking at the sky, finding Neil and wondering in the stars. Andrew was tired and _Neil was back_. He knew he could rest for now. He could finally rest for a while, before he had to fight Neil's presence with equal intensity, as he had his absence. His legs felt weak, as weak as Neil's might have been as he fell, and the longed nothing finally came rushing back and burrowing itself in his bones.

  
Andrew made himself walk, walk away from Neil. One step, two step, three step.

  
He could hear Neil choking on his name, but too broken to actually follow Andrew as he was still unable to get out of his mind. Andrew had no empathy in him. Seven steps, Eight steps, an alley. Hidden and will hide Andrew too.

  
Andrew entered it, and rested his back against the wall. He slipped and slipped. It felt different than falling. His back hitting the dirty road, and he slammed his head against the wall. Letting the pain drift inside, and swirl in his brain. Bleed through his eyes.

  
He felt in control now. 

  
He had no empathy for Neil when he felt so much nothing, but he groaned as he took his phone out of his pocket. Opening the pass-code, difficult with his left hand, and letting Renee know that Neil needed to be let free from wherever he was locked.

  
 _Ugh Neil, why would you come back?_ Why would he come back and look at Andrew as if he was shouting at him that,' Look, Andrew. I fulfilled my promise. I came back for you, it doesn't matter what I went through, I still came back for _you._ '

  
Neil was stupid and Andrew had no empathy for idiots, who made mistakes, mistakes like thinking that Andrew would wait for them, that he would forgive them.

  
_'Why would you come back for me Neil?' Andrew thought. 'when I am not here for you to come back to.'_ When Andrew made it known time and time again.

  
Andrew drunk the poison hidden under his tongue to recover his dry throat. He hadn't even cried, like Neil had. Neil had breathed on the ground, inhuman and ragged noises leaving him now and then. Eyes cracked.

  
To Andrew's closed eyes, in a disgusting alley, Neil's eyes looked the same as they did in Baltimore.

  
_"I would leave if you asked me to," he had said. Begging Andrew to let him stay but still respecting whatever he would chose._

  
And Andrew had. He slammed his head against the wall again. And texted Wymack, slow and an annoying effort with his weak hand, that he couldn't play. That his hands couldn't play and he would need to recover. _Recover, Andrew scoffed._

  
Lies. Andrew just couldn't handle letting Neil know that he could stay, but with the Foxes, not with Andrew.

  
That this time, no matter how noble his cause was, only Foxes would accept him back. Andrew was too shaken from his absence and the betrayal that rang loud in his ears to let him back in again.

  
Andrew didn't know how long he sat in that alley hidden from the world, as it passed on. As the sun traveled from above his head to somewhere closer to his chest, as the shadows seeped through his feet. He finally got up, his bones clogged and cracking. His hand had stopped bleeding now, caked blood making them stiff. He walked monotonously towards his car, avoiding the place where he had left Neil in the afternoon. Foxes might have taken him away. _Good._

  
His car in the parking lot, looked alone and unfriendly. As if it had been too different-in his car's case, too expensive- that world could not bother having it tag alone. And left it there.

  
Andrew shook his head at that, but still caressed his car. With something familiar, something there. Searching for the key with his left hand and sitting down in his driving seat, Andrew realized it would be a pain driving to Columbia with his injured hand and a splitting head ache from hitting it too much, but he knew he couldn't stay.

  
He needed to rest, he needed to _recover_ and prepare himself for Neil. For his restored presence in places that Andrew had looked for him, looked hard, and found him gone. Not there. _Absent._ He had to sought himself out and familiarize himself with the fact that Neil that came back wasn't his.

  
_Neil never was his, but Andrew had with the possessiveness of a child for its favorite toy, had allowed himself to believe that Neil was his. That he wouldn't leave, that Andrew could have him._

  
It would be different seeing Neil as a part of Foxes rather than him. As someone in his house rather his home. Someone with keys but locked outside.

  
It seemed like Andrew's life never let him catch his breath. And as Andrew raced outside of Palmetto, he did let himself feel grateful that Neil was back. At the very least. That he was back in his home, even though it felt like a torture to Andrew.

**

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from without me by Halsey. and i don't really remember robin's actual story but when i reached my memory palace this is what i found so i rolled with it.  
> let me know what you guys think about Andrew and how your version of Andrew's reaction are different from mine.  
> ciao thanks for reading

**Author's Note:**

> so so so how was itt???? The title is from Halsey's song 'Lie' so will be the upcoming chapters..cuz I stan Halsey.Bad  
> KUDOS AND COMMENT PLEASE..it would make me feel happy and write more and with passion..  
> I hope you guys have a nice day..best wishes from kanziii..!!


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